I just spend about two weeks in Montana celebrating Christmas and New Years with Rachel and her family. I got back into Seattle yesterday and Friday morning I’m off to New York for a work trip. I’ll be out there for almost two weeks. I’m not sure how much free time I’m going to have, but I’d love to gather your thoughts on anything I “simply must do” before I leave.
In case it helps, I’m going to be staying in Islip, but will have easy access to common modes of transportation.
Some things on my list already:
Broadway Show, maybe Wicked?
SNL show
Empire State Building
Ground Zero
MoMA
Grand Central Terminal
Times Square
Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum
What else should I do? Ideally, these are things I can do on a weeknight or weekend and still have me at work early the next morning.
One or more nights were spent in each place. Those cities marked with an * were visited multiple times on non-consecutive days. Roughly in order of appearance.
Seattle, WA*1
Eden, Utah
Passe Catabois, Haiti
Oklahoma City2, OK*
Broomfield, CO*
Leavenworth, WA
St. Regis, MT
Billings, MT*
Smith Rock, OR*
San Diego, CA
Colstrip, MT
Gig Harbor, WA
Mount Baker, WA
Bozeman, MT
A few weeks ago, I was invited to participate in a Planning Meeting for YMM:
UPC Senior Staff have asked a team from the Human Resources Committee to look at the current situation in the YMM Department from an HR perspective and make recommendations for a framework to move toward near-term resolution of key issues so that YMM can focus on effectively moving forward in its ministry.
The process will include a Planning Meeting facilitated by Jeff Trautman to identify compatible action steps that could be taken to meet the goals of faith development and outreach for YMM.
My desire to participate in this meeting was not to have a say about what we should be doing (e.g. planning day-to-day, month-to-month, etc), but to be present as a reflection of what is going on (i.e. the process) as I see it.
This reflection includes my experience as a former student and as a current sponsor and member of UPC. I also believe I bring a unique view to the situation, in part because of how I experience and analyze things with an engineering mindset.
The mission of this Planning Meeting was to “explore and seek our shared voice regarding the framework of YMM.”
Our process was to “consider 5 questions1 as catalysts for achieving this mission this evening”:
What relationship or experience was formative in your pursing a relationship with Christ?
Who do you believe YMM is called to serve, primarily?
Where along the faith discovery/discipleship journey do you think YMM should be most intention in its efforts?
What is a fundamental strategy YMM should embrace to fulfill its calling and reflect the overall ministry of UPC?
How will the vitality of this ministry be sensed by those who are not directly involved with it on a week-to-week basis?
A “summary of our findings will be submitted to the YMM elders and staff for consideration in their discernment and development of the ministry going forward.”
We answered the questions in diverse (parents, sponsors, staff, students) groups of about five people. Each group then presented a summary of their discussion, to which the group responded and debated as a whole.
I would like to take a sentence or two to note that of the roughly 40 people present, there were ~5 elders (not all attached to YMM), ~4 students, ~4 sponsors, ~2 staff, and zero interns. It’s also worth noting that all sponsors and students present were male, and all students were either Juniors or Seniors in high school2.
On the whole, I felt the discussion was good when compared to many of the other “events” I have been to before. In comparison, I felt like people were finally norming, instead of storming. To me, that’s positive progress. For the first time that I have been able to directly observe, people weren’t visibly agitated and while emotions were definitely present, they were also appropriately in check.
However, I still feel like something is missing. We, as a church, seem adamant on addressing a perceived fault or failure of man who was called by the Holy Spirit, presented by the Pastor Nominating Committee, and unanimously3 selected by the Congregation.
Why do we find ourselves in this position? Why do we find ourselves in such a polarizing and divisive place? I think it’s easy to point to the top of the local food chain and say things to the effect of, “Why haven’t you lead us? Why are we still in disarray? Why does the philosophy of YMM seemingly keep changing? Do you even have a philosophy?”
These are all good questions to be asking, however I do not believe that they are the appropriate questions to ask at this time from this local person.
In engineering, we generally look at failures from at least two points: what is the immediate failure noticed (e.g., the display has funky characters) and what is the root cause of the failure (e.g., poor workmanship, incorrect documentation, etc). Often times, we can fix the immediate failure without having to understand the root cause, knowing that the root cause will be addressed by the established process.
That is to say, how you fix something doesn’t affect why it happened and why it happened usually doesn’t affect how you fix it. Because at the end of the day, the problem will be fixed and we will know why it happened.
This is a great method for solving issues that involve inanimate objects without feelings or memories. So when it comes to dealing with people, I think we need to take a different tack; we need to be asking ourselves is this a locally isolated issues, or is this a systems issue?
My biggest concern — and one that I’ve heard a few other people share as well, but not a lot — is that what we are observing with YMM is indicative of a much larger and systemic problem with UPC, one that I believe ultimately leads us to a lack (or an abundance) of je ne sais quoi in the upper echelons of the pastorships. This is not something that all of a sudden happened when the change in YMM leadership occurred, this is something that has been brewing and building for years. In fact, the issue may even predate the presence of some of the current pastors. This is a culture problem and it points to a gross procedural failure that is preventing us from accurately and effectively evaluating anything substantive.
And the thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared because we seem to only be focusing on what is right in front of us and not what is ahead of us. I’m scared because we have a seemingly lack of trust and faith in a system that demands4 we have both trust and faith. I’m scared because while we might “solve” this problem, that doesn’t guarantee that we won’t have this problem again in YMM or elsewhere.
I’m hurt because there has been a lack of genuine conversation and there has been little or no explanation of what is going on (at both the local and the system level), and that leaves me feeling alone and left out of a group I care deeply about.
Whatever this je ne sais quoi is — it could be lack of leadership, it could be lack of communication, it could be lack of council…these are all guesses — we need to understand the root cause and we need to do it in a way that is loving and gratifying to the Lord.
The questions were formulated by Jeff Trautman, a who I felt did an excellent job of moderating the discussion and keeping things on track, if even I didn’t always agree with wording or the outcome ↩
despite the fact that YMM serves grades 6th through 12th ↩
I’m not sure what I want to say. I keep jumping all around in my mind, a nontemporalproximal place.
The number of emotions that sweep over me remain overwhelming.
I feel a sadness now that I’m back. I feel like I’ve died.
I feel a great relief to be back home though. Yet, I hate what home brings with it.
I am acutely aware of the sounds: the low murmur of cars on I-5. The buzz of the street lamps in their orange glow. The people yelling down the street. The cars as they drive past me.
It’s so cold here. I’m not used to sleeping with all these blankets.
I put my ear buds in and play a podcast…not my usual one, but one I would listen to in Haiti. My whitenoise maker reminds me of the airplane engines. I fall asleep.
As I walked to the next gate at the airport, I felt inundated with commercial advertisement. What is this product? Why do I need it? Why the fuck are they even advertising this, nobody needs this.
I keep looking out the window, not wanting this plane ride to end. Planes and airports now remain my last vestige of something that means so much, yet I can’t accurately explain what or why.
I don’t want to collect my bags on the carousel. I don’t want to leave the airport — it means I have to say goodbye.
There’s something special about spending such intimate time with these people. We eat together, we sleep together, we pray together, we ride together, we laugh together, we cry together, we work together. We created a new being — a new life form — that existed for 11 days. It was symbiotic and it will never exist again like it did.
I don’t want to go to sleep, because it means I have to move on.
It feels weird to be alone, knowing there’s no one just around the doorway.
We see each other at church and naturally gravitate toward each other.
We seem different now. Sure, we’ve all taken our hot showers; but it’s not that. We act different.
I don’t want to look at my email. There’s 116 new emails covering at least 50 different topics.
Work, even life here, seems too complicated. Too complex. Too overwhelming. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.
I want things to be simple again. I want to focus on what’s in front of me right now, not what may or may not happen in two weeks.
3026 photos, that’s a lot of memories. I look at them and replay the trip over in my head. I look at the photos from the very beginning of the trip, from when before we really knew each other. Who are these people?
Coming back this time was different. Last time, I was excited to be home because I didn’t know when I was going to get home. This time though, I could anticipate getting home. I knew almost precisely when I would land.
There was no large contingent of people waiting with bated breath for us at the airport. Just our parents, significant others, or roommates.
We sang our song one last time. It was beautiful, amazing, poignant, awesome…just like Haiti was.
I don’t know if I want to go back. I love the simplicity of it. I love Bruce and Deb. I love to see what God is doing. But I hate the politics. I hate that things don’t make sense. I hate that people sometimes try to take advantage of me because I’m “blan”1; it doesn’t feel good when I’m trying to help.
I don’t want to let go of that feeling of being down there. I want to hold it close to me. But I don’t know how to do that and still live and work here.
I don’t know what’s next. I just want to feel that way again.
The tech world is obsessed with what’s next. It has become so used to the constant flow of new products and new companies that newness itself has been placed on a pedestal. But outside of a few breakthroughs here and there, most things that are good are good because they got there slowly.
One of the constants on my mind is, “What’s next?” This is a hold over from Andrew Ferguson: The First 23 Years, in which I was always focusing on what was next, and which I acknowledged and talked about in The Blessing.
But how are we supposed to slow down? How do I live in a world that is going a million-miles-a-minute1? I have this vision from “Time Out of Joint“, an episode of Batman: The Animated Series. The Clock King has a device that allows him to operate at an extremely accelerated time rate apart from the rest of his reality. It’s been ages since I’ve seen the episode, but basically Batman and Robin are in Batmobile and the Clock King sticks his device to their car, making all the cars on the freeway appear super fast (I’m going to ignore the obvious relativistic implications of all of this):
That’s how I sometimes feel about life (especially the part about me being Batman): I’m sitting in my awesome Batmobile and the world is passing me by and I need to do everything I can to bring myself back in-sync with the world. It’s also why my goal for this year has been pace; I don’t want to feel like I have to be trapped going at tortoise speed and don’t want to feel like I have to be forced to go at hare speed. I want to go at my pace; I want it to be good, even if that means slower than everyone else. And I have to say, it’s been harder than I expected with lots of things pushing and pulling me in every direction.
Here are my stats from last year; considering I had never really run before, I think this is pretty good!
This year so far, I’ve run a total of four times, or once every other week, for about 13 miles. Suck.
I’m not quite sure what the deal is, why I’m not more motivated to run…I’m just not. I finally signed up for the St. Patrick’s Day Dash today, so I’m hoping that will help. I’m also hoping that I’ll be ready to run it in three weeks!
Now in it’s 25th year, Andrew Ferguson History Year, which runs from January 31st to January 30th, is an opportunity to celebrate the contributions by Andrew Ferguson to culture, society, and indeed, the people of the World.
Adding to the rich tapestry of American and Northwest diversity are the unique characteristics of Andrew Ferguson that find their roots in geography, language, thought, faith, etc.
Andrew Ferguson has made invaluable contributions throughout history, but especially in the areas of science, math, engineering, arts, and commerce. Andrew Ferguson has and continues to serve with distinction in prominent civilian, business, and government1 positions.
Yes, Andrew Ferguson helped lay the groundwork for modern civilization, and his work lives in abundance well beyond the history books.
I invite you to participate in any special events planned for your region commemorating Andrew Ferguson History Year.
Thanks for all you do and Happy Birthday,
Andrew Ferguson
Note: I wrote this several months ago. I was feeling a bit under the weather, which generally makes me cranky. Then I got an email toting the celebration of another _____ history/heritage/awareness month. I get it; people/things/causes are important. But I’m kind of tired of needing to have a party to all the freaking time. In response, I decided to satirize the email, mostly to humor myself. But also to make a point: I am people, too. I assure you, this would be infinite more funny if I could show you the original email, but it takes too much effort and I’m lazy; which is another quality you can celebrate this year.
I was talking with a friend about striving for bigger and better and how I sometimes don’t feel content. This was in relation to dating and my question was if there was someone better for me than Staci, whom I’m dating now. This is not to say that Staci isn’t awesome, she is. That’s a fact. But could I do better?
I related to my friend that I thought part of my problem is that I spend so much time I work trying to figure out bigger and better ways to do things, that maybe I had a hard time not thinking that way with relationships. Or maybe it’s because I’ve never had a girlfriend longer than Staci and we’re crossed a point where much of how we interact is a new experience for me (in the sense that people who have only been dating for two weeks interact very differently than people who have been dating for two months).
My friend asked if I thought I was missing out by not dating someone else. I really hadn’t separated those ideas: I thought I could be missing out on someone bigger and better. In fact, I didn’t really see a difference.
As we were leaving, my friend turned to me and said, “One is opportunity, the other is fear.”
I have a fear on missing out.
I used to always go to events and parties because I didn’t want to miss out on something fun, even though most of the time I didn’t have fun…there could be that one time when we do the most funnest thing ever! Maybe.
I fear missing important news, so I incessantly scan Twitter and Facebook, always seeing what the latest news is before it scrolls off the screen. Who’s dating whom, what hilarious antics are my friends in Colorado up to now, what new vacation pictures did the Joneses post. Just in case.
I do the same think with email too, although I am getting better.
All of this plays quite well to the simple fact that humans are notorious for loss aversion and “strongly prefer avoiding losses to acquiring gains. Some studies suggest that losses are twice as powerful, psychologically, as gains.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loss_aversion, although it’s not clear what studies are being cited))
My “loss aversion” is that I don’t want to lose the chance to be with someone else, someone who I think might be better. I don’t know if there is someone better, it’s just a chance. What’s frustrating about this feeling — this feeling of fear and of potentially being trapped — is that I know it, I can label it, but I can’t do a whole lot about it except talk about it and let it run its course.
Apparently, I’m not the only one that has this fear. Which is good, it means I’m still sane: From thoughtcatalog.com:
But after some time – perhaps six months, perhaps a year, perhaps, even, two years, the presence of a partner can feel much less exciting than it used to, and the thought of spending time with another person or some fantasy being might become a very compelling one. But being in a long-term monogamous relationship requires a sort of sacrifice and that sacrifice is one of romantic contact with anyone other than your partner. And when your partner feels less exciting, and the thought of one outside the relationship becomes more exciting, what’s left is a feeling of being trapped, indefinitely (as the goal of long-term monogamous relationships is to stay together forever, not some limited time span), in a less than ideal situation that will never be as exciting as you might perceive an encounter with someone else.
I think that it’s easy for me to unsatisfied with and even scared of the parts of dating that are hard. Dating life, much like not-dating life, isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. However, I have only dated, cumulatively, for less than 180 days. Meanwhile, I’ve been struggling with and figuring out this thing called life for almost 9,125 days. So perhaps it’s only natural that I have this fear; I haven’t been in dating life long enough to be able to recognize what it means be in a good relationship and that it will be okay.
