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First Thoughts on Being Back From Haiti

I’m not sure what I want to say. I keep jumping all around in my mind, a nontemporalproximal place.

The number of emotions that sweep over me remain overwhelming.

I feel a sadness now that I’m back. I feel like I’ve died.

I feel a great relief to be back home though. Yet, I hate what home brings with it.

I am acutely aware of the sounds: the low murmur of cars on I-5. The buzz of the street lamps in their orange glow. The people yelling down the street. The cars as they drive past me.

It’s so cold here. I’m not used to sleeping with all these blankets.

I put my ear buds in and play a podcast…not my usual one, but one I would listen to in Haiti. My whitenoise maker reminds me of the airplane engines. I fall asleep.

As I walked to the next gate at the airport, I felt inundated with commercial advertisement. What is this product? Why do I need it? Why the fuck are they even advertising this, nobody needs this.

I keep looking out the window, not wanting this plane ride to end. Planes and airports now remain my last vestige of something that means so much, yet I can’t accurately explain what or why.

I don’t want to collect my bags on the carousel. I don’t want to leave the airport — it means I have to say goodbye.

There’s something special about spending such intimate time with these people. We eat together, we sleep together, we pray together, we ride together, we laugh together, we cry together, we work together. We created a new being — a new life form — that existed for 11 days. It was symbiotic and it will never exist again like it did.

I don’t want to go to sleep, because it means I have to move on.

It feels weird to be alone, knowing there’s no one just around the doorway.

We see each other at church and naturally gravitate toward each other.

We seem different now. Sure, we’ve all taken our hot showers; but it’s not that. We act different.

I don’t want to look at my email. There’s 116 new emails covering at least 50 different topics.

Work, even life here, seems too complicated. Too complex. Too overwhelming. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

I want things to be simple again. I want to focus on what’s in front of me right now, not what may or may not happen in two weeks.

3026 photos, that’s a lot of memories. I look at them and replay the trip over in my head. I look at the photos from the very beginning of the trip, from when before we really knew each other. Who are these people?

Coming back this time was different. Last time, I was excited to be home because I didn’t know when I was going to get home. This time though, I could anticipate getting home. I knew almost precisely when I would land.

There was no large contingent of people waiting with bated breath for us at the airport. Just our parents, significant others, or roommates.

We sang our song one last time. It was beautiful, amazing, poignant, awesome…just like Haiti was.

I don’t know if I want to go back. I love the simplicity of it. I love Bruce and Deb. I love to see what God is doing. But I hate the politics. I hate that things don’t make sense. I hate that people sometimes try to take advantage of me because I’m “blan”1; it doesn’t feel good when I’m trying to help.

I don’t want to let go of that feeling of being down there. I want to hold it close to me. But I don’t know how to do that and still live and work here.

I don’t know what’s next. I just want to feel that way again.

  1. white ↩

Week 13

Thanks for playing along with me while I took my time to process and upload the last several weeks worth of photos. I also hope you enjoyed seeing these pictures while I’ve been down in Haiti. I should hopefully getting back tomorrow night (super late though), which will eventually cause more pictures (and maybe even some video) to appear here (not this exact post, but this blog) at a later date.

Day 85 (March 26th)
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Day 86
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Day 87
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Day 881
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Day 89
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Day 90
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Day 91 (April 1st)
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  1. Today’s picture is brought to you by 2004…because I forgot to take one today. ↩

Week 12

Day 78 (March 19th)
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Day 79
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Day 801
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Day 81
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Day 82
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Day 83
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Day 84 (March 25th)
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  1. Wouldn’t you know…didn’t take a picture this day. So Grand Junction, Colorad, brings you this lovely flashback from Spring Break 2006 instead! ↩

Week 11

Day 71 (March 12th)
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Day 72
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Day 73
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Day 74
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Day 75
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Day 76
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Day 77 (March 28th)
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Week 10

Day 64 (March 5th)
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Day 65
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Day 66
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Day 67
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Day 68
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Day 691
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Day 70 (March 11th)
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  1. I forgot to take a picture this day…not sure why. I had to go back to 2007 and Las Vegas, Nevada, to bring you this photo though. ↩

Week 9

Day 57 (February 26th)
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Day 58
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Day 59
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Day 60 (March 1st)
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Day 61
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Day 62
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Day 63 (March 4th)
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Going Back To Haiti

In case you didn’t know, I’m going back to Haiti and leaving in just over two weeks! I wanted to share with you my support letter and ask that you consider partnering with me or directly with Haiti:


Dear Friends,

Just over a year ago, I had an amazing opportunity to go on a mission trip to Haiti.

It was a chance, I thought, for God to use my talents for His glory. I assumed that as a college-educated engineer still wet behind the ears, I would show Haiti all the amazing things that could be done with a little bit of math, some ingenuity, and elbow grease.

I am humbled to report that I was wrong. Well, at least wrong about what talents God would be using.

Before leaving for Haiti, I was praying with Jon Epps, the director of Convergence (the young adults group at church). I was feeling ambivalent about so many things in life. Jon prayed that “God would rock [my] world,” and He really did…in every sense of the word (we were there during the earthquake).

I can’t fix Haiti. My skills as an engineer focus mostly on sensing, control, and communication; not designing hurricane strength aqua ducts, constructing bridges over raging rivers, or building earthquake resistant homes (because nothing is ever really earthquake proof). I suppose it’s a good thing that I’m not supposed to fix Haiti. Sometimes it takes a little smack from God to remind me of that.

There is something I can do though. I can engage Haitians. I can come alongside them as best I know how and show them God’s love and compassion. I can do the work that God laid out using the tools He has equipped me with, even if they aren’t the tools I thought I would be using.

I can also come back and tell my story, which I’ve had the opportunity to do as a guest writer in The Oredigger (my alma mater’s student newspaper), and in the UPC Times (my church newspaper), in addition to my pictures and posts on my blog. I’ve also had the pleasure of talking in person with many people at work, church, and around town about my experience and the issues facing Haiti.

Now, I have been given another opportunity to spend 10 days serving the Lord in Haiti. In April, I will travel with 11 others as we come alongside UPC ministry partners Bruce and Deb Robinson. We will engage with the Haitians as we work to continue construction of a school as well as take on other tasks Bruce and Deb set out for us.

So I’m humbly asking if you would be my partner in this service through prayer, financial support, or both. I am looking for a group of people to commit to praying for me and my team during this Spring’s experience. As for finances, we are asked to raise $1600 each.

I know that is a lot to ask, so any contribution you could make to this trip would be greatly appreciated, and I promise none of it will go to pay off my school loans. Your gift will be fully tax deductible (your cancelled check serves as a receipt), and any contributions I receive above my individual cost will be applied to team expenses as a whole. Please make any checks payable to UPC (“Haiti: Andrew Ferguson” on the memo line please) and send the enclosed response card1 with your donation by April 5th.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21 [NIV])

Your Brother in Christ,

Andrew Ferguson

If you’re interested in helping support me, you may also do so online through PayPal:





Download a copy of this letter: Haiti Letter (PDF: 345KB )

  1. only if you received an actual letter….you can use the PayPal link below instead ↩

Facebook, Twitter, and Paper Shredders

I gave up Facebook and Twitter for Lent.

Well, I gave up most of Facebook1 and Twitter for Lent. I’m allowing myself five minutes of time on Facebook and Twitter each day (total for the both of them, and no rollover minutes). And even then, the only reason I’m doing that is because there are still some critical communications and event planning that occur through them. I don’t want to be completely antisocial, you know. I also want to be able to respond to @ reply’s on Twitter. So the five minute limit is really just designed so I can get in, do what I need to do, and get out.

I figured this was a good thing to give up for Lent because I found myself constantly checking Facebook and Twitter even when I had no good reason to. Basically, if I was bored or didn’t have anything fun to do (which should not be confused with not having anything to do) I would check those sites. The most annoying thing was that I found myself doing that the first thing in the morning while eating breakfast. I would sit there in my pajamas, eating my cereal, scrolling through the Facebook updates with one finger on my Android phone.

And so it was.

Yesterday, I went to Costco to get some supplies and made a somewhat big-for-me purchase (it was $50…not that big I suppose, but still). I got home and broke my new toy out of its packaging and thought about posting something witty about it on Twitter. I started thinking about what I could say in 140 characters or less.

Then I remembered that I couldn’t. Because I gave it up for Lent2. I actually kind of felt sad! That’s when I knew that giving up Twitter was probably a good idea.

I also think Twitter — and even Facebook to some degree — have contributed to my lack of posting here. Why write out 300, or 750, or even 1500 words on something when I can be lazy and write 140 characters?

This brings me to by big announcement: I bought a paper shredder, which makes me feel like an adult. But oh how I like to shred!3

Now, the whole irony of this thing is that new posts on my blog get automatically tweeted to Twitter, and then pushed to Facebook. But that’s pretty much the only activity you’re going to see from me on Facebook and Twitter until April 24th.

Anyone else give anything up?

  1. which is quite incredible considering that just give years ago I passed up on giving up Facebook for Lent because “I’m really not that into Facebook (I might check it every three days or so)“…Facebook, you time sucking bastard. ↩

  2. who’s silly idea was that? ↩

  3. 90 characters ↩

Week 8

Hey! I finally got a week where I remembered to take a picture every day!

Day 50 (February 19th)
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Day 51
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Day 52
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Day 53
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Day 54
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Day 55
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Day 56 (February 25th)
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What’s Next, or Not?

From 37signals.com:

The tech world is obsessed with what’s next. It has become so used to the constant flow of new products and new companies that newness itself has been placed on a pedestal. But outside of a few breakthroughs here and there, most things that are good are good because they got there slowly.

One of the constants on my mind is, “What’s next?” This is a hold over from Andrew Ferguson: The First 23 Years, in which I was always focusing on what was next, and which I acknowledged and talked about in The Blessing.

But how are we supposed to slow down? How do I live in a world that is going a million-miles-a-minute1? I have this vision from “Time Out of Joint“, an episode of Batman: The Animated Series. The Clock King has a device that allows him to operate at an extremely accelerated time rate apart from the rest of his reality. It’s been ages since I’ve seen the episode, but basically Batman and Robin are in Batmobile and the Clock King sticks his device to their car, making all the cars on the freeway appear super fast (I’m going to ignore the obvious relativistic implications of all of this):

Video clip if YouTube is being lame.

That’s how I sometimes feel about life (especially the part about me being Batman): I’m sitting in my awesome Batmobile and the world is passing me by and I need to do everything I can to bring myself back in-sync with the world. It’s also why my goal for this year has been pace; I don’t want to feel like I have to be trapped going at tortoise speed and don’t want to feel like I have to be forced to go at hare speed. I want to go at my pace; I want it to be good, even if that means slower than everyone else. And I have to say, it’s been harder than I expected with lots of things pushing and pulling me in every direction.

  1. a mere 1/11th the speed of light ↩